Barbarian of Elysia Read online

  “Understood, friend Kaaki,” he said and grinned. “Time to sample the local wild life.”

  Kaaki laughed. “You barbarians are all crazy.”

  Alex clapped him on the shoulder, paused to stare at Vivi’s naked glory a moment, and then hurried down the gangway. He moved up the pier with a sense of urgency, acting like he owned the place. No one gave him a second look. But that couldn’t be said of Alex.

  “Holy Moses, Batman,” he muttered, coming to a halt. Before him stood two giants. His new brain processed them a moment. Ten feet tall. Massive barrel chests. Arms thicker than his legs. Their skin looked like elephant hide, all gray and wrinkled, with sparse hair. Their faces were just butt ugly, brutish even. Their only garment was a filthy loincloth. “What the hell is that?”

  “You’ve never seen an ogre before?” another human male said, chuckling. The old, gray-bearded human was pushing a wooden cart. It took him a second to realize the man was a vendor selling sausages wrapped in flatbread. “They are something to behold. But don’t let them catch you staring. An ogre will smash you to a bloody pulp for less.”

  “Thanks. I’ve only seen liz…Nagu before today. I didn’t even know ogres were real and not mythical,” Alex said. “Are there other mythical creatures here?”

  The old man looked at him askew a second. “Not sure what you’d consider mythical, barbarian. But we got a few elves in town, along with some dwarves, and goblins. Not sure if there are any other races other than them and the Nagu and humans that live here.”

  “What, no centaurs?” he joked.

  “Ha! Funny. Like a centaur would get on a ship just to go to an island.”

  So centaurs were real, and they didn’t like ships or water. Odd that. Still, that meant just about any mythical creature could exist. After all, he’d already done battle with a dragon riding magic man.

  The crowd grew thicker and more boisterous the closer to the actual town he got. A wide street separated the town proper from the docks. The only buildings on the docks were three squat stone towers, with lots of Nagu in fancy robes and ridiculously tall hats. Obviously government buildings. Port Authority officials, tax collectors, and soldiers streamed in and out. It reminded him that Qûm was Nagu ruled territory. They were dominant there.

  “Make way!” a powerful female voice shouted.

  The clop-clop of horses filled the air, forcing Alex to jump back off the street. A huge woman in leather halter and pants slowly rode by him, staring down upon him with hostile yellow eyes. She had a grayish hue to her exposed skin, but looked amazing otherwise. Well, she looked massively built, like a professional bodybuilder.

  “Stupid Amazons,” a nearby mother muttered, glowering back at the mounted woman. The young woman had three young boys surrounding her, with a toddler girl child in her arms. She looked harried. When the big woman snorted at her, rather aggressively, she didn’t back down. “Stupid orc bitch!”

  What? Wait? Amazon? Alex thought, doing a double-take on the mounted woman. Or orc warrior woman?

  His eyes dropped to her mount, which was the size of a Clydesdale, and loaded down with swords, a shield, armor, and bulging bags. The orc warrior woman even carried a ten foot long, very slim spear with a tuft of red feathers just below the spearhead.

  “Hey, baby boy,” another woman said as she rode past. The Amazon was a hundred percent human, tall, and shapely. Her fiery red hair was pulled back in a thick ponytail that bobbed in sync with her impressive set of boobs. “You looking for a good time, sweetie?”

  “Anytime, anywhere,” Alex called back. “If you think you can handle me.”

  That brought forth feminine laughter. He realized then it was a troop of Amazon cavalry passing down the street. They didn’t stop, but most of them made kissing sounds at him, or made lewd suggestions as they rode past. Not all of them were attractive, but they were all extremely confident and thus fired up his ardor. But they didn’t stop, either.

  “What a shame. We could’ve had a grand time,” he muttered.

  The mother sneered at him. “Barbarian.”

  And then she was gone. He watched her herd her children into a nearby alley and vanish. Alex grinned. If he was a barbarian, and heaped in with Amazons, well that was just fine with him. They looked like a lot of fun.

  Spotting a human woman in a bright green skirt, red off-the-shoulder blouse, and a ton of jewelry strutting down the street, trading cat-calls with the locals, he decided that was as good a direction to head as any. A moment later she turned down a narrow street, and he followed. And was plunged into shadow.

  The stone buildings leaned toward each other overhead, the air filled with lines laden with drying clothes. So many flapping clothes that he struggled to determine how many floors the structures had, but guessed the tallest at four or five levels. Indeed, they were some of the tallest buildings Alex had seen in that world.

  The street was a different matter. The first thing that hit him was the warring smells and the din of humanity. Roasting goat, spices, feces, and unwashed humanity. He couldn’t walk without constantly brushing against the other pedestrians. Men, women, and children spoke, shouted, and laughed. Every domestic animal he knew lived amidst that packed humanity, and bellowing, lowing, braying, or barking.

  And then the colors hit him. Every color in the rainbow, and some invented by man. The stalls and shops that lined the street displayed their wares, most of which were dyed the brightest of colors. Alex pushed through the crowd, marveling at all the sights and smells. There were cafes, bakeries, and even… a magic shop?

  Alex hurried into the relative peace of the shop. A young, doe-eyed beauty looked up and smiled. She had long, dark, curly hair, an olive complexion, and a body to die for. Her bright, daring attire reminded him of old movie gypsy women.

  “Greetings, kind sir, how may I serve you this fine day?” she asked, her voice just as gentle as her eyes. “A charm to charm a lover? Or one to fend off lice?”

  “Lice? Like in fleas?”

  “Yes, we have both kinds of charms,” she said, nodding eagerly.

  Well, the fact they thought it necessary to create such charms was distressing. That meant there was a problem with body lice and fleas. Probably bed bugs, too. Okay, his dream world wasn’t perfect after all.

  “Do you have mosquitoes?”

  “Oh, they are horrid during the rainy season! I have those charms over here.”

  Alex looked around with wonder. The last time he’d been in a shop with such a wide variety of imagination invoking inventory was a head shop back in California. And that magic shop put it to shame, by a magnitude of ten.

  “Do you sell athames?”

  “Um, yes, but you aren’t a witch. It’d just be an extremely expensive knife for you. You’d be better served buying a regular knife.”

  “How do you know I’m not a witch?”

  She indicated his barely clad body. He still didn’t own a shirt. “No tattoos.”

  He looked more closely at her body. She didn’t have that line of script across her upper chest like Helene, but her neck and arms were covered with tattoos. The lightning tattoo drew his eye, and sent a chill up his spine. Yeah, he didn’t want to find out what ability that gave her.

  “What if I wanted to learn witchcraft?”

  “My lord, you are either born a witch or not. You can’t learn the art if you don’t possess the blood,” she said, acting amused by his ignorance. “I can sell you talismans and you can pretend to be a witch.”

  He scowled and she smiled.

  “I’d like to play with your witches,” he muttered, looking at her high, proud breasts and deep cleavage. She cocked her head, grinning even fiercer. “Did you hear that?”

  She nodded. “Lucky for you, my husband did not.”

  Lucky indeed. Alex browsed the shelves until he noticed a small leather knapsack like Helene’s. It hung from a hook in the ceiling, out of reach and safe from thieves’ hands. And safe from his hands as well.<
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  “Is that a Keep All?” he asked.

  “It is.”

  “Can I use a Keep All, or is that also only for witches?”

  “Anyone can use one,” she said. “It costs ten gold suns.”

  Alex blinked at her. First of all, he’d inventoried the coin purse Helene gave him the previous day. There was only one gold coin. He didn’t know what a “gold sun” was exactly, but knew he didn’t have the required sum.

  “I could buy an island for that.”

  “And you’d be better served owning that island,” she said.

  “Well, Lady Witch, I’m afraid your wares are too rich for this simple barbarian,” Alex said, looking for the exit. “But maybe you could tell me where I can find some actual beer. I’m not much of a wine drinker.”

  “Then you are in the wrong part of the world, friend barbarian,” she said. The witch stepped out into the street with him, pointing higher up the winding street. “At the top of this next hill is a small plaza. Take the first street to the right, and you’ll quickly find a tavern under a cloth shop. They serve beer.”

  Humanity dropped away after he passed through the next intersection. Almost everyone became Nagu, though they pretty much dressed the same way as the humans below. He spotted his first elf. Actually, a family of elves: father, mother, and two what looked like teenage children. All four of them were gorgeous, and looked extremely haughty. He was a little put off by them.

  Alex quickly reached the plaza, turned right and discovered what the witch meant by “underneath a cloth shop.” There was a stairwell between a cloth merchant’s s shop and a burnt out ruin. The door below opened into a space under the shop. He stepped inside find it refreshingly cool, but thick with choking smoke. Grim looking men and women slanted hostile looks his way, before turning back to their cups.

  Must be this world’s Mos Eisly.

  He headed for the only empty table, dead center in the tavern. Men and women stiffened as he approached them, so he took extra care to not so much as brush against anyone. Everyone looked like they were spoiling for a fight. Alex wondered if he’d made a mistake not leaving immediately.

  “What’s your poison, big boy?”

  She was tall, big-boned, and busty. And she had the most wicked eyes he’d ever seen.

  “Beer, baby. I’ve gone too long without a real beer.”

  “Good choice. Old Faar brews up the best beer in Qûm,” she said, and leaned over the table to look him straight in the eye. Her boobs proved much larger than Alex at first realized, and he found himself staring into her cleavage. “I’m Tessa. Let me see your coin.”

  He untied his coin purse and plopped it on the table. Her eyes widened, and then a sultry smile spread across her face.

  “I think I love you, big boy.”

  “Keep that thought,” he said and winked.

  Alex watched her hips as she made her way through the tavern. Men reached out to swat and pinch it, which she responded to by laughing. He wondered if she really enjoyed it, but her expression and body language screamed she relished the attention.

  Now that is a proper tavern wench, he thought. Wild and sexy, and with a devil may care attitude. I approve of this wench.

  He chuckled to himself, before doing a covert look around. Most were male humans like himself, but he spotted a few women. Even two women dressed like warriors, complete with swords. Not a single Nagu was present, but Alex spotted some brutish looking “men” he guessed were orcs and at least one passed out goblin. At least the little fellow looked like a goblin in his mind.

  The other patrons gave the distinct vibe that they didn’t appreciate any scrutiny. Everyone kept their eyes down and focused on their cups. There was four odd looking women in the corner playing a slow, soulful song on flutes and string instruments. Tessa returned with four cups of beer. She plopped down in his lap, before handing him one of the cups.

  “Does my lord wish to buy me a cup?”

  Alex quirked a brow at the wooden tray with three more cups. A hint? Anticipation on her part? He looked down into her cleavage, and then up into her smirking face. He grinned.

  “Of course. Every man lives to drink with beautiful women,” he said.

  He took a sip while she picked up one of the cups. It was definitely beer, but not like any beer he’d ever tasted. It was room temperature and flat. No fizz whatsoever. But did home brew have fizz? Then he realized that such a primitive world probably hadn’t discovered carbonation.

  “So, tell me, Tessa, are you from Zarana?”

  “No. I’m Kandosian born,” she said.

  “Really, I just left Kandos,” he said. “Did you know Princess Thaleia was kidnapped by Lord Kalis yesterday?”

  She looked surprised. And then burst out laughing. Not exactly the response Alex expected.

  “A toast!” Tessa cried, lifting her cup high. “To Lord Kalis’ victory over the House Royal! May Princess Thaleia choke on his cock for a thousand years!”

  That was a surprise. Did anyone from Kandos actually like their royal family?

  A trio of twisted, angry looking men stepped up. Alex slanted an annoyed look up at their scowling faces. Maybe they were loyal Kandosians offended by Tessa’s toast.

  “I don’t like you, pretty boy,” one of them said, leaning over to glare into Alex’s eyes.

  Alex wondered if this was when he had to chop off one of their arms and escape the city on a tramp freighter.

  Chapter 12

  Alex’s mind raced through options and scenarios. The chances of avoiding a fight looked nil to none. So he needed an advantage, a ploy, something. Each of the three men looming over him and Tessa were at least as large and muscular as him. And they looked a lot meaner.

  “That’s because you don’t know me,” Alex said. “I’m a really fun fellow. Tell them, Tessa.”

  He dug his fingers into Tessa’s ribs, taking her by surprise. She proved very ticklish, and screamed. Tessa struggled, giggled, and kicked her feet. And one foot went up between the legs of the trio’s spokesman. He kind of looked sick for a second there, while his two friends attacked.

  Alex pushed Tessa out of his lap and straight into the attackers. He tried to turn in his seat to escape, but toppled over backwards instead. That bumped a big bruiser at the next table, who hauled Alex up and punched him in the face.

  “Fight!” Tessa cried as Alex hit the floor.

  The entire tavern erupted. All of those big, grim men suddenly looked alive, excited, happy. Fighting gave them joy, and Alex realized he rather enjoyed it, too. So he rolled back to his feet, swinging left and right indiscriminately. Men cursed, spat, and howled in fury.

  And the little quartet in the corner changed their tune to a jaunty little song.

  He spotted Tessa under the table on all fours. To his surprise, her eyes glittered with wicked delight, and then she darted out on hands and knees to pluck an unconscious man’s purse away. As she returned under the table, he looked around and discovered she wasn’t the only one robbing the down and out.

  Bar room brawls for fun and profit, he thought with a laugh. I could get used to this lif…

  A ham-sized fist ploughed into his belly, doubling him up. Then a knee came out of nowhere to smash into his face. Alex fell back to the floor, black and white flashing behind his eyes. Then he felt a small hand at his waist, so he grabbed hold of his main purse. The purse with Princess Thaleia’s gold and silver bangle.

  His other hand grabbed the wrist of his would-be robber.

  “Let go!” Tessa cried.

  “What the hell?”

  She froze with that deer in headlights stare. “I, uh, was just checking to see if you were still alive.”

  The big bruiser that first punched him landed next to them. Both Alex and Tessa reached for his purse. It was a big one. Tessa proved faster, and already had a small blade in her left hand to cut the cords. She wagged her brows at Alex and rolled away into the crowd. So Alex rolled back to his feet, befor
e stomping down on the bruiser’s upturn face.

  Alex noticed his table was one of only a few still upright. Problem was, the purse that Helene gave him was gone. That was ninety percent of his wealth.

  Time to refinance my adventure, he thought, and jumped back into the fray.

  Alex kicked and punched, he even threw elbows and knees. Every chance he got, he snatched up a coin purse. Whether it lay on the floor, or hung from a belt, in that tavern melee all was fair game. At least that’s what he told himself.

  “No weapons! No weapons!” men shouted.

  Too late.

  The crash of steel echoed through that dark common room. Alex wondered how they fought, since the ceiling hung too low to properly wield steel. Knife fight, fine. Sword fight? Not recommended. And then an arrow zipped past his face.

  Time to vacate the premises.

  Ducking and dodging, Alex made for the door. He wasn’t the only one, either. Then he noticed a short, stocky guy in a faded blue tunic under a leather apron. The guy normally wouldn’t have been worth his notice, except he was dragging an unwilling Tessa toward the door. So Alex picked up a three legged stool and charged him.

  “Let,” Alex cried, and whacked the other man over the head. “Her.” The first blow staggered him, but he didn’t go down. So Alex brought the stool back with all due prejudice, smashing him in the bearded chin. “Go!”

  Tessa punctuated the point by kicking him in the nuts.

  “Are we having fun yet?” Alex asked.

  Her eyes lit up. “Hell yes!” An arrow thudded into the wall next to her head. “Maybe not.”

  “Here comes the watch!”

  Watch meant cops in that fantasy land. Not good cops, either. Kandos taught him that. All armed local authorities were corrupt. And citizens were always believed over foreigners.

  He grabbed Tessa’s wrist and headed for the door. “Time to leave. I’m going to let you buy the next round.”

  She was clutching three purses, and he suspected she had others secreted within her clothes. They joined the general exodus out, going with the flow. But once outside, he heard bells ringing. Not church bells, but hand-sized bells.